Twilight

M: Well, we finally saw Twilight. Where to start, where to start. Ok, first, I think you have to take what I say with a grain of salt. I picked up the book a little less than a year ago to see what all the hubbub was about, and, although I moaned and complained and made fun of the book the whole time, I kept reading, and eventually finished the third book before I was finally mad enough to vow to never read more (and yet . . .) It is like a grisly car crash that you can't take your eyes away from. You might say of me, "thou protesteth too much." And maybe I do . . . but

Seriously?

First of all, there were times in this movie when I laughed hysterically, and I am sure that is not what they were going for. I certainly wasn't laughing "with" the movie. The movie, like the books, is so painfully cheesy.

My friend, a twilighter (and I think on the Edward team), told me that she thought maybe I didn't like the books because I just didn't understand the kind of love Bella and Edward shared. Admittedly, I don't. I love V, more each day. She is the single most important and best thing in my life, hands down. And what Twilight passes off as love, well, I don't buy it. Bella and Edward have known each other for a week, their conversations have not progressed beyond "I am bad for you, we shouldn't be friends" and "I'm not scared," and their interactions have been limited to Edward holding his perfect chiseled nose and clenching his statue-like fists and Bella trying not to impale herself on the nearest sport apparatus, even for a moment. Yet they are both convinced that they would literally off themselves if they couldn't be together. OK, fine. But in the next chapter along comes Jacob and, well, maybe Belle has this same intense crazy love for him too. I mean, after all, he built her a motorcycle (which she uses to try to kill herself when she thinks she can't be with Edward). Ok, now I am just making myself upset again. But you see my point, right?

Plus, I have daughters, and this movie, and the books, are my worst nightmare. So this guy tells you, "I am no good for you," "I might hurt you," and "I am the bad guy." This same guy likes to sneak into your bedroom and watch you sleep. Oh, and you have no time or thought for your other friends or family because they just don't understand your love, so you exclude them from your life completely and devote yourself entirely to the guy. In the real world, this spells stalker, and that is the best case scenario.

And these are just things that bug me as a guy. Here is an article I saw this morning on MSN with a feminist view.

The movie looked pretty good visually. When Edward threw his little "spider monkey" on his back and ran her through the forests, it was just ridiculous. And the slow motion music video thing got pretty annoying. Otherwise, I loved it. 1 1/2 stars

V: The movie was a pretty good adaptation of the book. That's bad. That's very bad. I actually kinda looked forward to seeing the movie. I thought maybe it could offer something more, something better than the book. But what I found I was really hoping for was something different than the book. Like a movie made from a different book. Because, surely, they wouldn't include this and they wouldn't include that. Right? They would come up with something else, right? I was actually surprised when I saw that the movie had included so much from the book - because I thought it was too ridiculous. It was good for an occasional (unintended) laugh, many rolls of the eyes, and many, many groans of exasperation. The music bugged me so much. I liked the lighting. I thought the main characters were accurately represented by the actors. That's bad. Anyway, we're honestly not just trying to be contrary to popular opinion, here. (After all, we're big Harry Potter fans.) Just didn't like it. 1 1/2 stars.